When I was little, I was really confident in who I was. I was loud, I was kind of obnoxious, I loved bright colors, didn't care what I wore or what people thought of me, and was just a happy person (not all the time but most of the time). I can remember the exact moment I stopped being confident in myself and started being insecure. I was excluded from regular activities, I was and felt like "the fat kid," I was told to be quiet on a regular basis, and I started needing to see a counselor. The fact that not everyone I meet is going to like me scares me. I want to be someone that nobody has a problem with, so I have a tendency to dial down my personality until I get really comfortable with a person or group of people. I also get incredibly embarrassed when I get a little too loud or look like an idiot (including when I don't get a job right or have a bad idea). So, how do I combat this? If I could be myself without fear of judgment, I would laugh a lot, be a little louder than the average person, show my excitement, and wear clothes that I just find cute rather than trying to hide in sweatshirts or t-shirts. Now that I think about it, it sounds a little sad that I'm not able to laugh without worrying about what people are going to think. How screwed up is that? So, with my inner "fat kid" and "obnoxious" personality always in mind, how can I as an "adult" attempt to make sure that I feel comfortable in my own skin? Here's what I've been learning: 1) Nobody should give a sh** about you. If you want to be excited about something, go be excited. If you have an opinion or an idea, you shouldn't be afraid to voice it (and the fact that you don't feel comfortable or safe enough to isn't your fault.) 2) My body size doesn't make me less or more worthy of wearing certain clothing or colors. I am an active, healthy, 20-something who deserves to feel like I'm in my prime. Of course, if something looks horrible on me, I'm not going to want to wear it. But if I love how it makes me feel, why should I give it up because maybe my tummy shows? 3) It's about eating smart rather than setting boundaries and limitations. I will never be the person that forces myself to never eat cupcakes again (I've already tried that). Instead, I will eat just one instead of three, or will make sure that it fits into what I've already eaten that day. It's about eating intelligently rather than eating clean or eating too much "because I can." 4) As long as I treat myself well, how others see me doesn't matter. Nobody knows what goes into your daily life. Nobody sees the hours that went into the gym, the food you eat, or the years of change. All they see is what's right in front of them. So, confidence starts with you. If you treat your body right, feel good in your own skin, and 100% own yourself, then the other opinions don't matter. 5) I need to work and exist in a place that allows freedom of self. This "wear only these colors" or "conform to our expectations" doesn't sit right with me. I have learned that I need to work in a space where there is freedom of expression and freedom to be myself. I'm sorry, but I'm not a robot, and neither is anyone else. Just because I may be a blip in your day doesn't make me any less human. I know that this blog might not resonate with everyone, and, to be honest, I'm having a hard time trying to come up with the right words or the way to phrase everything. Basically, I've been having a hard time feeling like myself and being comfortable in my own skin because of the boundaries I've had set on me over the last couple of months. This blog is what I've learned about myself, and is meant to give me and maybe you a little motivation to be a badass and not give a crap about what others think of you. I hope today you can go out there and be your true self. You deserve to be seen. Update: Upon going through pictures of when I was just being a goof, I started crying a lot. I didn't deserve to feel insecure, fat, like the odd one out. People are mean and I'm glad I have these pictures and my goofy personality. So, here's a slide show for you to enjoy.
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AuthorElena B. Archives
June 2020
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